I think a lot of things led up to my alcoholism, particularly all the alcohol I've been drinking. When I was five, my older brother had a friend, I think he was from Portugal; my brother met him on the wharf when he was out robbing boats for crabs, which he began to stockpile in his closet. He crammed so many crabs in his closet that eventually the moisture rotted the beams in the floor under his room and one day his entire room collapsed into the kitchen. Believe me, there's nothing to compare to seeing thousands of crabs bursting from the ceiling and flooding the entire house, scurrying over our furniture like massive red pinchy ants. They were really ungracious guests, too; they drank all the beer and got into fights with the neighbors, and one time they took all the upholstery out of the car seats because they thought they could pass it off as cocaine. They were also hardcore Ralph Nader supporters. Jesus Christ, I'm glad those bastards are gone.
But anyway, about my brother's friend. He said his name was George Clinton. He insisted that we always call him by his full name; if we called him George, he'd get really pissed and go on a tirade about how we were all useless lazy Poles who were too greedy and stupid to acknowledge anyone else's right to own property in the state of Alabama, which was weird because we didn't even live in Alabama. He also had a vendetta against the George Clinton from Parliament-Funkadelic and said that he traveled into the future from 1972 to steal his identity. He also stretched plastic wrap over the windows of his apartment every day of the year.
Anyway, about my alcoholism: my brother's friend and I used to play a game where he would pin me to the ground and kneel on my arms, and force a bottle of Ketel One into my mouth, and after I drank the whole bottle, I'd wake up in a few hours duct taped to the furnace. He told me his dad used to play a similar game with him that involved llamas and the local constabulatory. His argument was that since his llama didn't have any legs, then technically it wouldn't be against the law.
Okay, this is as long as they'll let me write on this blog. I might finish my story later, maybe I'll tell you about our neighbor who nailed all those ladders to his roof because he thought it would help him pick up alien satellite network TV channels.
